four guys in a girls story with Legolas
by saxophoneserpent
Summary: A story by a girl sick of girls finding ways to middle earth and joining the FotR, so instead this is a story about guys finding a way to middle earth and join the FotR. What will happen? Why don't you read and find out?
1. The idea

FOUR GUYS IN A GIRLS STORY WITH LEGOLAS  
  
  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Tolkien's books but the rest I do, I think.  
  
Chapter 1: The Idea  
  
'It's always girls!' exclaimed Fred, who was reading another fanfic about some 21st century girls lost in Middle Earth and finding an excuse to join the Fellowship of the Ring, and of course, falling love with Legolas.  
  
'We should do that.' said Alex.  
  
'What? Fall in love with Legolas? I don't know about you, but I really don't think that is very appropriate.' said Fred.  
  
'No, not that go to middle earth and find an excuse to join the fellowship of the ring stupid.' said Alex.  
  
'Well it is more appropriate, so why not.' agreed Fred.  
  
'Now then, what are the rules again?' asked Alex.  
  
'You must come individualy or in a group of four. You must join the Fellowship of the Ring before the end of the week, otherwise it's all a dream. You must not interfere with the story line too much or middle earth will be doomed and the books and movies would have to be redone. You must not die and you must fall in love with a member of the Fellowship of the Ring.' replied Fred.  
  
'Well, perhaps we can skip that last one.' said Alex.  
  
'Agreed.' said Fred.  
  
'So, we need 2 more people.' Said Alex, scanning through candidates in his head.  
  
'They must have read the books.' Said Fred, also looking over possibilities.  
  
'How about Sam?' Suggested Fred.  
  
'Is that alowed? I mean, there is already a Sam in the story.' said Alex.  
  
'Ah, but his really name is Samwise and our friends is called Samuel.' explained Fred.  
  
'Well that's fair, but who else should we take?' asked Alex.  
  
'How about Bob?' suggested Fred.  
  
'No, I hate him, he stole my peanut butter and beef sandwich last year remember?' said Alex, as tears rolled down his face as he remembered the horrible incident.  
  
'Oh yeah, how about Rupert then?' suggested Fred.  
  
'Ok.' said Alex.  
  
'We can do the others when we get there.' said Fred.  
  
'Now lets collect our friends.' said Alex.  
  
So Fred and Alex went out the door, carefully locking it behind them.  
  
'Remember its room 21 not room 23.' said Fred  
  
'I only forgot it once.' said Alex, as they walked down the hall to room 24.  
  
'Its room 24 isn't it?' asked Fred.  
  
'Let's find out.' said Alex opening the door.  
  
'Hey guys.' said Sam.  
  
'Hi Sam.' said Alex.  
  
'Hey, you want to go to the Lord of the Rings with us?' Asked Fred.  
  
'Na, I've already seen it.' said Sam.  
  
'Not to see the movie, to go into the story.' explained Alex.  
  
'Oh, don't see why not.' said Sam.  
  
'Hey, is Rupert here?' asked Fred  
  
'No, but he'll be back in a sec.' said Sam, and then of course, Rupert walked in.  
  
'Hey, what are you guys doing here?' said Rupert.  
  
'Don't ask questions, just follow us.' said Alex, leading everyone out the door and into room 21.  
  
'Ok, everyone to the computer.' said Alex, so they all went to the computer and sat down.  
  
'Ok, we put in our details here.' said Alex, who was answering some questions on the computer screen. After they had all answered all the questions except: 'which member of the Fellow ship of the Ring do you have a crush on?' Alex pressed the enter button.  
  
'Get ready for it.' said Alex with a big grin on his face.  
  
Two words then appeared on the screen 'ACCESS DENIED.' 


	2. Pick a crush

1 Chapter 2 Pick a Crush  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own anyone, anything or any place that is mentioned in Tolkien's books but I really do own everything else.  
  
AN: Ok if u r willing to read the second chapter good luck to u. I have been told that it's better than the first, and I hope they weren't lying.  
  
'What exactly is suppose to happen?' Asked Fred  
  
'Dam!' Exclaimed Alex  
  
'Perhaps we should answer all the questions.' Suggested Rupert  
  
'Fine, who is your crush then?' asked Alex  
  
'I'll have Legolas.' Said Rupert  
  
'And I'll have Sam.' Said Sam  
  
'Ok.' Said Alex typing in their answers.  
  
'Who are you guys having?' asked Rupert  
  
'You'll see.' Said Fred and he and Alex looked at each other and broad grins emerged on their faces as Alex typed in their crushes names.  
  
'You guys have no taste at all.' Said Rupert  
  
'Well excuse me Mr. Legolas is so cute.' Said Fred  
  
'At least ours is a joke.' Added Alex  
  
'Shit, and I share an apartment with him.' Said Sam  
  
'I am not fucking gay!' Screamed Rupert  
  
'Oh shore, that's what they all say at first.' Teased Fred  
  
'Just press the dam button.' Said Rupert  
  
Once again Alex pressed the enter button. They all leaned forward in suspense and then the door opened and three girls walked in.  
  
'Um, I don't think this is our room Tessa.' Said the first girl  
  
'Neither do I Chalet.' Said the girl Tessa  
  
'Can we hel…..' started Fred but before he could finish they where sucked into the computer.  
  
'Um, perhaps your room is 23.' Said the unnamed girl backing out of the room  
  
'Perhaps we should try it.' Said Chalet also backing out of the room.  
  
'Yep.' Said Tessa also backing out the door and then they all turned and fled down the hallway.  
  
Tessa suddenly stopped 'Chalet our room is back that way.' said Tessa pointing over her should back down the way they had just come.  
  
'Yes I do believe so.' Said Chalet stopping and turning around. So the three girls walked back up the hall to room 23.  
  
  
  
  
  
The guys tumbled out into a clearing.  
  
'Yes! We made it!' Exclaimed Fred giving Alex a big bear hug out of joy.  
  
'Whose gay know huh?' Sneered Rupert  
  
'That's what I'd like to know.' Said a voice behind them. They all jumped around and there staring at them was a tall, handsome guy with pointy ears.  
  
'Oh my fricken god. Its LEGOLAS!' Exclaimed Alex  
  
'Do I know you?' asked Legolas  
  
'No, but you can.' Said Fred extending his hand, which Legolas took, and Fred enthusiastically shook.  
  
'Hey I was just wondering, can we join the fellowship of the ring?' Asked Alex  
  
'Why?' asked Legolas  
  
'Because we're not gay.' Answered Fred who seemed to think that it was a reasonable reason.  
  
'Ok.' Said Legolas who must have also thought it was a reasonable reason.  
  
'Yay!' cried the boys with glee.  
  
'Follow old Legolas, he knows the way.' Said Legalas hitting Rupert on the head with a stick thingy.  
  
'Hey! What was that for?' Said Rupert rubbing his head.  
  
'I just enjoy doing it.' Said Legolas before turning around and running of into the trees.  
  
'Perhaps we should follow him.' Suggested Sam  
  
'Why?' asked Rupert  
  
'Because he's Legolas.' Said Alex taking off after him.  
  
'Guess we should go too.' Said Sam also running off into the trees closely followed by Fred and Rupert. As soon as they cleared the first (and only) line of trees they came to a sudden halt, for there before them was the marvelous city of rivendell.  
  
  
  
AN: See stuff actually sort of happened, I think. So if u liked it I will be in great shock, but hey please review! I am just a poor little 13yr,1.74metre girl and it would just make me be really sad if u flamed me, so please no flames! 


	3. Sporting Differences

Chapter 3 Sporting differences  
  
Disclaimer: Well as I presume you know the people, place and things that are in Tolkien's marvelous books r alas not mine! But as fare as I know the rest is from my supposedly twisted mind.  
  
A/N: Thank you so very much for reviewing me Lafitafi and Nemuriko, if anyone else actually reads this, read their stuff (I swear on the heads of my sisters that there stuff is good (Pity I'm telling the truth)) and review me!  
  
'How do they do it?' Asked Fred.  
  
'It's probably a secret Elvin secret, like how they get their ears so pointy, and how they get their hair so long and shiny.' Explained Alex  
  
'You wouldn't want to play hide and go seek with them would you I mean if they can hide a city with just a line of trees imagine how well they could hide themselves.' Said Sam  
  
'Speaking of it wanna play?' Said Rupert.  
  
'Unhuh.' Agreed Alex and Fred  
  
'I would but I don't know how to play.' Sobbed Legolas.  
  
'You poor boy.' Said Sam sympathetically, moving to comfort him.  
  
'Well its pretty simple, one guy is in, that guy closes his eyes and counts to 10 while every one else hides and he then has to try to find them.' explained Fred.  
  
'Ok. who's in then?' asked Legolas regaining his composer.  
  
'The gayest of the bunch, should be in.' Said Sam pointing at Rupert.  
  
'AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I will only be in if u all promise to stop saying I'm gay.' Said a very aggravated Rupert.  
  
'Ok' agreed Fred.  
  
'Ok then.' said Rupert closing his eyes.  
  
'1'  
  
'2'  
  
'3'  
  
'4'  
  
'5'  
  
'6'  
  
'7'  
  
'8'  
  
'9'  
  
'10 ready or not, here I come.' said Rupert opening his eyes, he looked around and could see none of his friends or Legolas.  
  
'U guys r good hiders.' said Rupert setting of on his search.  
  
  
  
'Well that's the gay one out of the way now we just need to get rid of Sam.' Whispered Alex to Fred as they followed Legolas into Rivendell.  
  
'Are you guys shore this is how hide and go seek is played?' Asked Sam  
  
'Of cores it is Sam, we found the rules on the net.' Said Fred  
  
'Oh , well if you're shore.' Said Sam  
  
'Halt. Who goes there?' Said a guard elf.  
  
'The almighty Legolas Greenleaf, of Mirkwood the best of all Elvin cities, and 3 non gay mortals.' Said Legolas proudly puffing his chest to its limits.  
  
'Wow! Never knew he had that side.' Whispered Sam over his shoulder to the others  
  
'Oh, sorry Mr big all might elf prince, I'm so sorry if I'm not one of the mighty Mirkwood Mules!' yelled the guard.  
  
'Ha! We kick your but ever season. The Rivendell Ravens have never won a game!' Yelled Legolas  
  
'Oh yeah! You have never won ageist the Lothlorien Leopards!' screamed the guard  
  
'Neither have you!!!!!!!!!!!!' Cried Legolas, tackling the guard to the ground. The boys watched the two elves go at it, they where pulling hair, scratching and biting.  
  
'Cat fight!' screamed a near by elf. Millions of elves appeared from all over the place, behind trees, in bushes and a lot out of the public toilet. Most of the girls started cheering for the hotter royal one, and the males started cheer for their teams.  
  
'Up with Lothlorien!!!!!' Cried another elf, who was immediately shot by a very large amount of arrows.  
  
'They take there sport really serious. What sport are they on about anyway?. Asked Fred  
  
'Don't know ask one of em.' Said Sam in between mouthfuls of popcorn.  
  
'Hey! Share.' Said Alex snatching Sam's popcorn.  
  
'Hey babe, you know what sport this is about?' Said Fred derecceting the question to a particularly hot elf girl.  
  
'The best and most straining sport of all!' Replied an extremely less attractive supposedly female elf  
  
'Which is?' Asked Fred  
  
'Table Tennis! Don't u know anything?' replied the alleged woman  
  
'Well I'm not talking to you ever again Sir!' Cried Fred turning his back on the supposed her.  
  
'Well you must be gay then, if you called mea babe!' Yelled the man I mean woman  
  
'There's a guy in the woods u might like then.' Replied Fred  
  
  
  
'Legolas my son stop this at once!' Cried a voice  
  
'And you to guard!' cried another voice. The guard got of a now shirt less Legolas (no idea how that happened), which cause many female elves to rush to him to check for 'injuries'.  
  
'Well Elrond, this is matter for us to deal with. Don't you think?' Said Thranduil with a wink  
  
'Yes, yes I do,' said Elrond also with a wink, before tackling Thranduil. Which caused the crowd disappeared back to where they came from , I mean who wants to watch old guys bitch fight.  
  
'Come lets go find the fellowship.' Said a once again shirted Legolas motioning for them to follow. Which they did.  
  
  
  
'Oh my god who is that absolutely gorg………Oh my god what was I about to say!' screamed Alex.  
  
'Um this is Gandalf.' Said Legolas, introducing an extremely ugly and old man  
  
'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' Screamed Alex  
  
'What have I done?!'.  
  
  
  
A/N: Well I hope anyone who reads this enjoys it. I have nothing against gay people so don't flame me about that. I hope u don't mind but Mirkwood has moved to #67 Rivendell thus the large number of elves and turn up of Thranduil. Please review me if I get another review it will make me really happy(. I just want more than my vertical challenged sister, who I will not mention for fear that u anyone who reads this will read and review her story. So no flames, not that anyone reads this anyway, but hey don't flame me, my parents forgot my cake on my birthday, and I am the middle child, I need no more grief in this life so don't flame, just review me! I am very fragile and could self destruct if u flame me, so please nobody flame me! I am just a tall little girl, what can I do yeah! 


	4. the fellowship departs

Chapter 4 Followed By Fan Girls  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of Tolkien's peoples, places, or one rings, the rest I hope you will believe is actually mine! Seeing as it actually is.  
  
A/N: Review me people, if you haven't already do so at once! But I do suggest reading this chapter before hand so you r aware of what u are reviewing. Thank you anyone who reviewed me excluding piccolopiggy the bitch.  
  
  
  
'Clam down Alex. It's not real.' Comforted Fred  
  
'Yes it is, I put Gandalf as my crush and look what's happening!' Sobbed Alex  
  
'I'm not attracted to Gimli. Thank you god! So it's all just not real.' Comforted Fred  
  
'But what if it is?' asked a tearful Alex.  
  
'It isn't! We leave Rivendell/Mirkwood in the morning. Plenty of ways we can get rid of Sam!' Said Fred with an evil glint in his eye.  
  
'Yes, then there will be eleven.' Said Alex, immediately falling asleep and to the floor.  
  
'Yes, there will be eleven, until Gandalf falls with the Balrog, Boromir dies, the fellow ship separates, Gandalf is found and hobbits coming back, which all result in different amounts of fellowship, which we the additional members, also affect by going different ways.' Said Fred, attempting Alex's stunt, which he failed, landing on the bed instead of the floor.  
  
'Dam! Missed! Best try again.' Said Alex, this time landing successfully on the floor with a thud.  
  
  
  
'Legolas, I thought this was supposed to be a secret departure.' Said human Sam, looking at all the young and attractive female elves that had come to see them off.  
  
'Well, these are just some very trustworthy friends.' Said Legolas, blushing just a tad.  
  
'Ok Alex, we stay with Legolas and the Hobbits, and at all cost avoid Gandalf and Gimli.' Instructed Fred.  
  
'Ok. At all cost.' Agreed Alex  
  
'Hey guys!' cried a rapidly approaching figure, from the woods.  
  
'Um, Fred is that who I think it is?' Asked Alex  
  
'God, you guys are good hiders. I've been looking for you for ages, but hey I finally found you.' Said Rupert  
  
'Yep, he's back.' Mumbled Fred  
  
  
  
'On your marks.'  
  
'Get set.'  
  
'BANG!' And with that the fellowship set of running at full speed.  
  
'Stuff this.' Said Pippin, slowing to a walk, shortly followed by the rest of the fellowship.  
  
'Um, anyone else notice the large mass of females following us.' Said Fred, indicating to the army of what must be fan girls behind them.  
  
'Yes, I think we need to limit their numbers, so our trail is not as noticeable.' Said Aragon  
  
'Listen to me, mine and Legolas's adoring fans. I am here to warn you, that you are risking death in following us, and that you are all probably going to die!' Screamed Aragon, into his megaphone. This caused a number of them to flee and the rest to draw weapons and laugh like escaped mental patients (Which they mostly were).  
  
'Let me try.' Said Merry, snatching the megaphone off Aragon  
  
'If you are not one of my fans, please leave the premises immediately!' Yelled Merry, into the megaphone.  
  
'Um Merry, I think you need to turn it on first.' Said hobbit Sam  
  
'Naha.'  
  
'Yaha.'  
  
'Naha.'  
  
'Yaha!'  
  
'Naha!!'  
  
'Yaha!!!'  
  
'Naha!!!!'  
  
'Yaha!!!!!'  
  
'Naha!!!!!!'  
  
'Just let me handle this.' Said Frodo, removing the megaphone from Merry's hand.  
  
'Ok ladies, could you please piss the fuck off!' Screamed Frodo, causing a stir in the feminine horde.  
  
'Get em!!!!!!!' Cried a voice from the midst of the force, causing the mighty army to charge.  
  
'Shit!' Cried Frodo, turning and running of at great speed.  
  
'I think he has the right idea.' Said Gandalf following Frodo's example along with the rest of the fellowship.  
  
  
  
  
  
'What's that?' Puffed Boromir, pointing at a large sign in front of Moria.  
  
'Gee maybe it's Moria.' Said Gimli  
  
'No short ass, the sign.' Said Boromir  
  
'Hey I'm actually very tall for a short dwarf.' Said Gimli  
  
'Oh would you two shut up the sign says 'Jesse's Moria Tours'.' Said Legolas  
  
'And how can you read it from here?' Asked Rupert  
  
'Well Mr gay, I am an elf and elves have really good eyesight, so you figure it out.' Said Legolas  
  
'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am not fricken gay elf boy!' Screamed Rupert  
  
'Oh yeah, prove it.' Said Legolas  
  
'Get me one of them fan girls and I will!' Yelled Rupert  
  
'They stop chasing us 2 hrs ago.' Said Legolas who was once again shirtless due to an extremely fast fan girl.  
  
'Can't you ever keep your shirt on?' Asked Rupert  
  
'I can't help it if I'm irresistible.' Said Legolas who was once again wearing a shirt.  
  
'Where'd you get that from?' Asked hobbit Sam.  
  
'I'm Legolas, I have shirts everywhere.' Said Legolas.  
  
'Hey, you mind keeping the noise down, you don't want to wake the Balrog yet, it'll spoil all the fun.' Said a guy standing under the sign (Wow! I typed this paragraph with my nose!).  
  
'You must be Jesse.' Said Gandalf  
  
'If I must be then I am.' Said Jesse the tour guy  
  
'Well we'd like a tour of Moria for 13.' Said Aragon  
  
'Ok follow me then fellowship.' Said the tour guy opening the door to Moria  
  
'This guys already starting to bug me.' Whispered human Sam into Legolas's ear  
  
'Hey watch the sensitive Elvin hearing.' Said Legolas giving human Sam a look.  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Wow, finally at Moria, they r actually in Moria in the next chapter, unless I decide to change it of course, so give me reviews and in they'll go in. Once again I have nothing against gay people, so please don't use that as an excuse to flame me. So please no flames, if you don't like it just erase it from your memory, saves time and effete. 


	5. And On The Left We Have

Chapter 5 And On The Left We Have  
  
Disclaimer: I don't nor have I ever nor will I ever own any of Tolkien's thingies from any of his books.  
  
A/N: Sorry about that person/people who did those stupid fucked up reviews, I don't even know who wrote them, so please ignore those 4 reviews, oh and enjoy the story.  
  
  
  
'Everyone follow me, you can be the followship of the tour guide.*laugh**snort**laugh*'Said Jesse the tour guide guy  
  
'Ahhhhh! This guy is more annoying then being called gay repeatedly.' Said Rupert  
  
'And it hasn't even been five minuets yet!' Added Gimli  
  
'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'. Cried the entire fellowship+ Gollum.  
  
'Please be quiet, the Balrog is not to be disturbed until the next chapter. So keep to noise down.' Said Jesse the extremely annoying tour guide guy.  
  
'Bring on the Balrog, if it'll get me away from you!' Screamed Legolas running off in search of the Balrog  
  
'Come back that's the way to the hot tubs, which are for paying costumers only!' Screamed Jesse the pissed off extremely annoying tour guide guy.  
  
'Is it just me or his name getting longer and longer every time he says something?' Asked hobbit Sam  
  
'Yes it dose appear to be, and it also seams that we're going to be stuck here for another chapter.' Said human Sam  
  
  
  
'Wow, hot tubs and dwarf women! Ahhhhhhhh!' Cried Legolas running from the chamber at great speed trying to remove the visual from his mind.  
  
  
  
'And on the left we have a shirtless Elvin prince running at full speed away from a room of dwarf women in hot tubs.' Said Jesse the boring pissed off extremely annoying tour guide guy.  
  
'See there it goes again.' Said hobbit Sam.  
  
'That's going to get really annoying.' Said human Sam  
  
'How'd he lose his shirt this time?' asked a very confused Merry  
  
'I'm shore if he was not running at full speed away from a room of dwarf women in hot tubs he would say: You knew I would, I'm Legolas.' Said Frodo  
  
'No, I would say: would this be a decent chapter if I wore a shirt the whole time.' Said Legolas once again shirted and with the fellowship.  
  
'Where'd you get that shirt from, and how'd you get back here when you were on the left running at full speed away from a room of dwarf women in hot tubs.' Asked Aragon  
  
'And what do you have against dwarf women in hot tubs?' Asked Gimli  
  
'I'm Legolas lord of the shirts!' Cried Legolas  
  
'And what about the dwarf women in hot tubs?' Asked Gimli  
  
'Ahhhhhhhh! Your bringing back the visuals.' Said a cringing Legolas  
  
'Which way did ya say the hot tubs where?' Asked Gimli eagerly  
  
'Gimli we aren't here for you, we have a very important quest to tend to.' Said Gandalf  
  
'Which is?' Asked Gimli  
  
'I don't know, ask Frodo.' Replied Gandalf  
  
'Do you mind? We have yet to encounter orcs and that's a very bad sign. I think the last fellowship killed most of em, I've been trying to get them declared an endangered species but so far no luck.' Said Jesse the orc supporting, boring, pissed off tour guide guy.  
  
'Can we just kick the fucking Balrog's but now?' Asked Sam.  
  
'In the next chapter!' Said Jesse the angry orc supporting, boring, and pissed off tour guide guy.  
  
'Look, orc!' cried Pippin with glee.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: I know it was a little short but the Balrogs coming! I really couldn't care anymore if you flame me coz it just looks like I have more reviews! I would prefer reviews praising my work (even if they are a lode of bullshit). Sorry about taking so long to write this chapter my darling mother uninstalled word so I couldn't write anything. 


	6. Balrog

Chapter 6 Balrog  
  
Disclaimer: As you all know I own nothing of Tolkiens for it is his not mine for he made all his stuff before I made mine so yeah his stuff is his my stuff is mine!  
  
A/N: Thank you for reviewing me anyone and everyone who did and I ask that you do it again and again coz reviews are good. Sorry for taking so long to write this I have been a bit preoccupied lately but here it is enjoy.  
  
'Orcs is it, well I best be off, I expect you can find your way out yourselves, and if you can't well you can just ask an Orc I'm sure they'd love to help.' Said Jesse the tour guide type guy  
  
'Yes! No more tour guide type man!' Cried Legolas jumping up and down to express his glee.  
  
'Follow me' Said Frodo walking into a room.  
  
'Gimli, Come here there's something you must see.' Cried Frodo causing everyone to run in.  
  
'What?' Asked Gimli  
  
'Nothing, just testing.' Said Frodo running off into the next room  
  
'Gimli, come here there's something you must see.' Cried Frodo causing every one to run in.  
  
'What?' Asked Gimli  
  
'Nothing, just testing.' Said Frodo running off into the next room  
  
'Gimli, come here there's something you must see.' Cried Frodo causing everyone to run in.  
  
'What?' Asked Gimli  
  
'Nothing, just testing.' Said Frodo running off into the next room.  
  
  
  
6 HOURS LATER  
  
  
  
'Gimli, come here there's something you must see.' Cried Frodo causing everyone to run in.  
  
'Listen to me you little hobbit if there isn't something this time I swear on the blade of my axe I will remove you head from your plump little body, so with that in mind, what?' Said Gimli  
  
'A tomb, complete with a dead dwarf. Call in now to order yours today for only $99.99 for a limited time only.' Said Frodo  
  
'Look it says his name is Balin son of Fundin and look he left a will.' Said Legolas picking up a piece of paper from nowhere in particular.  
  
'What dose it say?' Asked Gimli excitedly  
  
'I Balin son of Fundin leave all my possession to one very special dwarf, who wields an axe with the most power and grace any ever has, one who is loyal and trust worthy, one who could be easily out smarted by any elf, especially one from mirkwood with long, silky, shiny hair and looks great in tights.' Read Legolas until Gandalf snatched it off him  
  
'If your gonna make stuff up I'll read it. Lets see possessions to bla bla bla what the? Who could be easily out smarted by any elf, especially one from Mirkwood with long. um lets go from looks great in tights My favorite dwarf G something M L I. Can't quite read it.' Said Gandalf  
  
'Allow me.' Said Legolas taking the paper back from Gandalf. 'My favorite dwarf Gomli son of Cloin.' finished Legolas  
  
'That bastard! I never liked him but he still shoulda left me something!' Exclaimed Gimli.  
  
'Can we read the book thingy now?' Asked human Sam  
  
'No. I think we'll skip it this time.' Said Gandalf  
  
'Suite yourself. But you should probably know that they're coming.' Said Alex  
  
' Quick close the doors!' Cried Aragorn rushing to the door along with Boromir and a (yep you guessed it) shirtless Legolas.  
  
'Get ready and Legolas put a shirt on.' Said Gandalf  
  
'No it's to late.' Said Legolas as the doors burst open and Orcs pored in screaming something that sounded a lot like 'the frog! The Frog!' before they all ran out the other door.  
  
'Noooooooooooooooo! Where are they going my favorite bit is the Moria Orc battle! Noooooooooooooooo! Come back!' Cried Fred  
  
'Shoulda read the book thingy.' Said Hobbit Sam  
  
'No I think the Balrog is early, run!' Cried Gandalf taking of out the door closely followed by everyone else.  
  
'Thump. Thump. Thump.' echoed through the hall.  
  
'Run through the Orcs!' Yelled Legolas still shirtless.  
  
Something flew through the air a landed in front of them with a thud.  
  
'Oh my god! It's a giant Orc eating Frog run!' Cried Merry running off with the rest of the fellowship.  
  
'Look it's the Bridge!' Cried Rupert running across it. When every on was across the bridge, the hall they had come from glowed with red fire cloaking a large black figure chasing the giant Orc eating frog. The frog leaped across the bridge to the fellowship.  
  
'Leave frog, this is between the Balrog and me!' Yelled Gandalf pointing his staff at the giant Orc eating frog. The frog was enveloped in smoke, when the smoke cleared the frog had been replaced with a rose.  
  
'I thought wizards turned everything into frogs.' Said Pippin  
  
'Well they probably do, just not to giant orc eating frogs.' Explained Legolas.  
  
'Lets settle this now Balrog.' Said Gandalf charging staff raised above his head towards the Balrog.  
  
'Bring it on!' Cried the Balrog Running at Gandalf. The Balrog ran, hopped, skipped and jumped into Gandalf's awaiting arms. Gandalf gave the Balrog the once giant orc eating frog rose, they starred lovingly into each others eyes, then the bridge cracked and collapsed sending them into the dark apsis below.  
  
'Damit now we need a new leader.' Said Legolas  
  
'But how to chose?' Asked Human Sam.  
  
'I know. Everyone in a circle.' Said Pippin. Everyone obeyed 'Inni, minni, monni, mo, catch a nicker by it's toe if it squeals let it go inni, minni, monni, mo.' Sang Pippin his finger landing on Rupert's foot.  
  
  
  
A/N: Balrog and Gandalf don't know what that was about but hey I wrote it anyway. Review me and flame me if you find it necessary but I'd much rather have good reviews but hey it's up to you. Next chapter Ruperts in charge hey that wasn't in the book, what'll happen? Well I don't know so you probably don't either. Hope you liked it but if you didn't I'm very sorry for you having wasted your time reading it. 


	7. I heard that

Disclaimer: I own very few things in this story, for Tolkien not I wrote LotR and this is mostly from there.  
  
A/N: Thanks for reviewing me peoples, I appreciate it even if you are heaps taller than me. Reviews are good, reviews are pretty and my reviews are my preciousess (stuff all spelling) so give me more!  
  
  
  
Chapter 7 I heard that  
  
  
  
'No fare, I wanna be the leader' Whined Aragon  
  
'But I am.' Said Rupert  
  
'Do over' Squealed Aragon  
  
'No I'm the leader.' Whined Rupert  
  
'Let old Legolas settle this.' Said Legolas pulling out his stick thingy from chapter 2 out and whacking Rupert on the head. Rupert fell and took Aragon down with just as Legolas took a swing at him.  
  
'Aragon wins.' Said Legolas putting his sticky thing away for latter use  
  
'Yay! This way to the exit!' Yelled Aragon leading the way through the arrows the Orcs had started firing to the exit  
  
'Yay out of Moria at last!' Cried Fred kissing the ground  
  
'Where to know all mighty lead.' Inquired Rupert  
  
'I need to pee. I'll be right back.' Said Legolas running off into the trees looking for a nice one to pee on.  
  
'All in favour of leaving the elf behind raise your hand.' Said Aragon. Aragon, the Hobbits and human Sam raised their hand.  
  
'Human Sam, how could ya man.' Said Fred  
  
'Yeah, and Aragon I thought you like elves.' Said Rupert  
  
'The gay guy.'  
  
'I'm not gay!'  
  
'Sorry. The gay like guy has a point, aren't you a friend to all the elves?' Asked Alex.  
  
'Nope can't stand the bloody immortal things, I mean it is so unfair, the young ones are all like in their bloody 1000s. Most people find Hobbit life spans annoying but elves they just won't die.' Explained Aragon.  
  
'I heard that Aragon you Asshole.' Said Legolas strolling back from his wizz.  
  
'Not to mention their eyesight and hearing is there anything more anyone?'  
  
'You will pay Asshole, you will.' Assured Legolas  
  
  
  
  
  
Later that night  
  
  
  
'Tonight we sleep in trees!' Declared Aragon  
  
'Why?' Questioned Gimli  
  
'Because I am your mighty leader and I say so.'  
  
'What about us? We can't get into the trees.' Whined the Hobbits  
  
'You can sleep in those bushes over there.' Said Aragon pointing to four bushes.  
  
So Aragon, Gimli, Boromir, Fred, Alex and human Sam slept in trees, while Frodo, hobbit Sam, Merry and Pippin slept in the bushes. Two figures set off into the woods shovels over their shoulder, a very busy night ahead of them.  
  
  
  
A/N: Next chapter will be better I promos, for the fellowship losses another member. Oh exciting, guess who, its not very hard. 


	8. A bump in the night

Disclaimer: If you think I own anything I don't than you should be ashamed of your self coz every LotR fan knows that Tolkien's stuff is not mine!  
  
A/N: Ok it's time to go . . Who is . you should know but read it anyway. I would like to thank every one who has for reviewing me because you have fulfilled my lifelong dream to have more reviews than my sister, I don't know or care how long it'll last, coz I did it thank you! But hey review my more and then again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again , I think you get the point.  
  
  
  
Chapter 8 A bump in the night  
  
Everyone who had been sleeping shoot out of their trees and bushes woken by a loud crash, to find Aragon being dragged away by Rupert, and Legolas up in Aragon's tree with his sticky thing behind his back.  
  
'Aragon fell out of his tree.' Said Rupert covering the big bump on the back of Aragon's head.  
  
'Um, what are you doing?' Asked Boromir looking at Rupert struggling to drag Aragon  
  
'Er, well.' Rupert looked at Legolas for help  
  
'It is soft over there.' Said Legolas jumping down to help Rupert move the big fat stupid poor excuse of a ranger.  
  
'Ok.' Said Gimli, and every one else went back to bed.  
  
  
  
The Next Morning  
  
  
  
'Hey were is Aragon?' Asked human Sam  
  
'Hey look a note.' Said Rupert pointing to a note stuck to a tree by one of Legolas arrows.  
  
Frodo ran over to the tree. Jumping up to try and reach it until Boromir yanked it out.  
  
'Can you put this in the tree at hobbit height.' Said Boromir handing Legolas back his arrow that Legolas shoot back into the tree this time at hobbit height.  
  
Frodo pulled it out and read: (A/N: Warning all Aragon fans should not read this letter) 'Dear Legolas the hottest elf with longest most beautifully and shiny hair, Rupert the most so obviously not gay person I have ever meet, Boromir, Gimli, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Sam and those two clearly gay other guys . I wrote this letter because I have decided to abandon you and the quest, seeing as I am a stupid Asshole, I have decided to become a hermit so don't coming looking for me, oh and tell Arwen that we're through, not that she will care she was always after that gorgeous hunk of an elf Legolas. Oh, Rupert and his foot are your new leaders, he should have been in the first place but I was to much of an asshole to see that so in addition to that I give him my Kingdom and all my other shit. Legolas I would just like to apologize to Legolas who is my fare superior in every thing and is the best archer that has been or ever will be. He has the best hair I have ever seen and deserves all my fan girls which he should 'a had in the first place because I suck and am the worst character Tolkien, bless the Holy Father, every made.  
  
From Aragon the Asshole.' Finished Frodo  
  
'No more Aragon, YAY!' Cried Merry  
  
'And me and my foot are the leaders and the Kings of Gondor.' Said Rupert  
  
'Arwen ewww! She will just have to settle with being a fan girl coz she ain't gonna be me girlfriend.' Said Legolas.  
  
  
  
A/N: Ok incase you didn't notice I really really hate Aragon and love Leggy. Sorry it was short but we just got the video and I must watch! 


	9. bye bye Mr Elfie's shirts

Disclaimer: Chill out what you yelling for its all been done before (Disclaimer: yeah those aren't my words I'm just listening to Avril Lavigne) just look at my other chapters A/N: Sorry for not updating for ages but um erh ahh, ok so I don't have an excuse but I am sorry. Oh and yes VHS yes the sadness of my life but now for my story.  
  
chapter nine bye bye Mr Elfie's shirts  
  
  
  
"Ahh my shirts they're gone!" exclaimed Leggy(Who else?)  
  
"All of them?" inquired Fred  
  
"Yes even the one I was wearing(I wonder how that happened?( )" answered everyone's favorite shirtless elf.  
  
"Well where do you usually keep them?" asked hobbit Sam  
  
"What! You want you to reveal my shirt keeping secrets?"  
  
"Well it might help us find them." hobbit Sam  
  
"Fine if must know I keep all my shirts up my sleeve." said a very shirtless Leggy  
  
"I've gotta ask: is that even possible?" asked Boromir staring at Leggy in disbelief  
  
"Well it must be." said human Sam  
  
"You can wear mine if you want." offered Gimli  
  
"Yes, yes that would be excellent." said Fred very over enthusiastic  
  
"Fred! Stop drooling" Alex  
  
"Ahhhh! It's happing to me."  
  
"But why? you've been unaffected by the crush choosing all through the story"  
  
"Because the Author hasn't mentioned our crushes since chapter four!"  
  
"Uhum, anyway back to our conversation. No way am I wearing you shirt Gimli.."  
  
"Ohh" Fred  
  
".it hasn't been washed since before I was born" Leggy  
  
"Bull shit! it washed the day after you where born!" Said Gimli defensively  
  
"So how many shirts do you exactly have?" asked Frodo  
  
"Let me go through them all.."  
  
  
  
3 hours later ".and I only have 7 pee green because I found out how they got their color. Now for the Blues."  
  
  
  
After Legolas went through all his shirts  
  
  
  
"Hey fellowship wanna go to see the Lady off the wood?" asked Haldir trying to lick his elbow  
  
"Sure, I'm in charge and I say we go with the guy trying to lick his elbow." said Rupert  
  
"Why are you trying to like your elbow?" asked Pippin  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"He's got a point Pip." said Merry  
  
So the fellowship followed Haldir to Lothlorien and the lady of the woods. or did he?  
  
  
  
A/N: Well that's one chapter down and they didn't even move to the second last sentence! Did you know all Polar bears are left handed and you can lead a cow up stairs but it's impossible to lead a cow down stairs oh and an Ostrich's eye is larger than it's brain. Reviews welcome don't really care if you flame me but if you can lick your elbow let me know because I've heard it's physically impossible! 


	10. Return of the Queen

A/N: Well, clearly people are losing interest in this story. So if anyone has anything they want to happen in this story, let me know, and I'll try and write it in somewhere. Oh, and I finally have a beta! So from now on, you can't blame me for the spelling mistakes! Now on with the chapter. (  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything I don't own, which makes a bit of sense when you think about it doesn't it.  
  
Chapter 10 Return of the Queen  
  
  
  
Haldir lead the fellowship through the forest and to the city of Lothlorien.  
  
"Ah, the trees, they are so beautiful and lovely." exclaimed Legolas, still shirtless, prancing around the other members of the Fellowship and the cardboard cutouts of trees.  
  
"What trees?" asked Frodo, looking around.  
  
"I think he means the cardboard ones," said Hobbit Sam.  
  
"Talk about cheap, the bloody elves can't even afford plastic." sneered Gimli.  
  
"Hey! We can so, Galadriel just ask for cardboard." said Haldir.  
  
"Yeah, sure she did." Alex said sarcastically.  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, mortal, I did," said a distinctly male voice.  
  
"Your ladyship, this is the Fellowship of the Ring." said Haldir  
  
"Welcome to Lothlorien, travelers" said Galadriel. Everyone was now staring at her, in disbelief. Fred, Alex and Human Sam all burst out laughing.  
  
"That's Galadriel!" choked Fred, who was now on the floor with Alex laughing loudly.  
  
"No it's not! It's a bloody man in a wig!" cackled human Sam, doubling over in laughter, but still managing to stay on his feet.  
  
"Hey, this is no wig! It's my real hair!" exclaimed Galadriel, before a breeze (from Pippins fan) blew her 'hair' off her head.  
  
"Glorfindel!" Everyone gasped together.  
  
"See, told you it wasn't Galadriel" Human Sam bragged.  
  
"Where is the real Lady of the woods?" cried Haldir, panicking. "They said if I lost her again I'd lose my job!"  
  
"It's all Arwen's fault!" raved Glorfindel angrily. "She stole my part! I found the hobbits! Me! I rode Frodo to safety. It was me, all me! Then they go and give it all to her, so she seems more important than she actually is!"  
  
"Um. How does Galadriel fit into this then?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Because, foolish mortal, it's Galadriel's fault Arwen lives! Oh, and Arwen wasn't mentioned in this fic, and the Lady had a bigger part than Elrond did. " said Glorfindel.  
  
"Where is she?" asked Haldir  
  
"In the woods!" laughed Glorfindel "Oh and Rupert, you are gay!"  
  
"No! I am not fucking gay! You fucking mental elf!" screamed Rupert  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I'll be back, and vengeance shall be mine!" cried Glorfindel, as she was dragged away by some elves, which are actually very easy to find in Lothlorien!  
  
  
  
2HRS LATER  
  
"Did you find her?" Haldir asked the elves, who he had sent in to the woods to look for Galadriel.  
  
"Yes. The Queen has returned!" reported one elf.  
  
"Hey! That sounds like a book I once read." said Merry  
  
"I doubt that. I've seen the books you read, and unless they said 'mother goose has returned', it's got no relevance to anything you've ever read." said Pippin.  
  
"Hmm, must have been mistaken. Hey are you knocking my reading talent?" asked Merry.  
  
"Why yes, I do believe I am," replied Pippin  
  
"Ok then." said Merry returning his attention back to the elf report.  
  
".. And then we found this" said the elf, stepping aside so that two other elves could drag up a man covered in dirt, with hate in his eyes.  
  
"Holy shit Legolas, it's Aragorn!" cried Rupert, hiding behind a cardboard tree.  
  
"I'm gonna kill you elf!" yelled Aragorn suddenly drawing his sword, and charging at Legolas.  
  
"Tolkien, father of us all, save me from this poor excuse for a ranger!" cried Legolas, in addition to something in elfish. He then ran as fast as he could away from Aragorn. Legolas continued running until he came across a box to that he could hide in.  
  
Aragorn stood out side the box waiting, for Legolas to venture out, and hey, Legolas did! He stuck his head out and Aragorn served it from his shoulders! (Beta note: I thought that maybe you could change this to: Legolas stuck his head out of the box, and before he could even blink, Aragorn had served his head off his shoulders.)  
  
  
  
A/N: Oh my god! Is Legolas really dead? Would I really kill Legolas? Well, I'm not gonna tell you until the next chapter! I would like to say a big thank you to singing dragon, who likes my story so much. So to everyone who read this and listens to what I say, read singing dragon's story because I think they deserve more reviews, And a huge thank you to my beta Blue Eyed Babe, she has a story too and I'm sure shed appreciate some reviews, oh and please review too! 


	11. The head bones conected to the neck bone

CHAPTER 11 THE HEAD BONE'S CONNECTED TO THE NECK BONE.  
  
Disclaimer: All of the bits that aren't mine, well really aren't mine, which all people and ducks should know.  
  
A/N: Ok please read to the end of this chapter before going "You fucking bitch how can you possibly kill Leggy?" And a big thank you to everyone who reads, reviews and even puts this story on their favorites, and please keep hold of any alcohol or Drugs that influenced that decision, because you might need them.  
  
"Oh my god, Aragorn killed Legolas!" screamed Rupert.  
  
"Um, who are we supposed to stay with now?" asked Alex.  
  
"How about Gimli?" said Fred dreamily.  
  
"No, Fred, stay focused. And remember we are not gay."  
  
"We are not gay. We are not gay. Oh my god, Legolas is dead!"  
  
"Not to worry, I should be able to fix it." said Galadriel, and then looking at Aragorn she added "If you can keep him away from me."  
  
"Aragorn, I think your mothers calling you." said Boromir.  
  
"Coming mummy." said Aragorn running back of into the forest of cardboard trees.  
  
"Can someone please replace those cheap cardboard trees with plastic ones?" said Galadriel.  
  
"So what do we have to do, Elf Witch?" asked Gimli.  
  
"First I need a hamster, a snow shoe and a copy of 'The Little Mermaid'." said Galadriel.  
  
"Ok, I have a snow shoe." said hobbit Sam, handing it to Galadriel.  
  
"Ok, Merry, Pippin, do you still have that hamster I gave you?" asked Frodo.  
  
"What hamster?" asked Pippin guiltily.  
  
"Remember the one you hit with that stick, and all the candy came out off." said Merry.  
  
"You killed my hamster!" cried Frodo.  
  
"Hamster? Oh, I thought you said pinyata." said Merry.  
  
"How did you get pinyata out of hamster?" asked Human Sam.  
  
"How can you not?" said Merry.  
  
"I may of released a small Hamster like creature." said Pippin  
  
"Where?" asked Frodo  
  
"Moria." Replied Pippin  
  
"My Hamster!" Cried Frodo. Just then Aragon came back.  
  
"Nope wasn't my mother Boromir, it was just this hamster." Said Aragorn holding out a Hamster.  
  
"Oh Hammy is that you?" squeaked Frodo.  
  
"Hammy?" Asked Human Sam  
  
"His pet Hamster." Explained Hobbit Sam  
  
"Oh good." Said Galadriel snatching Hammy the Hamster from Aragorn.  
  
"Galadriel we need you for the video shop opening." Said Haldir  
  
"All right, I'm coming." Replied Galadriel scurrying of to the Lothlorien mall  
  
"Galadriel, can you get me a movie!" Called Frodo  
  
"All right, I'll see what they've got." Replied Galadriel continuing her scurrying.  
  
"Glorfindel was right she does have a bigger part than Elrond." Said Merry  
  
"Why do you think that is?" asked Pippin  
  
"Propable the same reason they gave Arwen Glorfindel's part, they had to many guy parts and they didn't want to anger feminist so they make sure that the girls get reasonable parts." Explained Merry  
  
  
  
About an six hours later  
  
"Look, she's back!" Yelled Human Sam.  
  
"What took so long elf witch?" asked Gimli eyeing the bags Galadriel was carrying.  
  
"You wouldn't believe it but they made me shop." Said Galadriel  
  
"Did ya get me something?" asked Frodo hopping up and down.  
  
"Um ok I got you this." Said Galadriel grabbing a video out of one of her many bags.  
  
"Oh the little mermaid my favorite." Squealed Frodo  
  
"Frodo give that to Galadriel." Ordered Hobbit Sam  
  
"Why thank you Frodo now I can fix Legolas. Now out all of you." Commanded Galadriel.  
  
As the went away they could hear Galadriel singing "the head bones connected to the neck bone, dum de dum de."  
  
  
  
Three days later  
  
"Why are we still here?" asked Alex  
  
"Because Galadriel is fixing Legolas and Aragorn keeps laughing hysterically every six minuets, saying that no elf is a match for him and that he'll just keep kill leggy until he stays dead."  
  
Meanwhile Aragorn was taking a stroll in the now plastic forest, laughing to himself about his kill of Legolas. When all of a sudden Legolas step directly in his path.  
  
"Hello Ranger." Said Legolas  
  
"Time to die again elf." Laughed Aragorn  
  
"I don't think so Ranger." Whispered Legolas into Aragorn's ear.  
  
Aragorn span round to come face to face with Legolas.  
  
"What the?" spat Aragorn doing the double take thing.  
  
"I can still take you both!" Screamed Aragorn drawing his sword.  
  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you Ranger." Said Legolas pressing his arrow into Aragorn's neck  
  
"Three? How can this be?" Stammered Aragorn  
  
"Well Galadriel isn't quite as talented as she says." Said Legolas  
  
"Yes, but three of me is better than me with three heads." Added Legolas  
  
"Any questions Aragorn?" Asked Legolas  
  
"Yes, there is one thing I need to know." Said Aragorn  
  
"Yes Ranger old bean." Said Legolas  
  
"Where are your shirts?"  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Now isn't three shitless Legolas a lot better than one. Sorry about the delay I started to write but my sister lost 20 pages from the chapter she's been working on and she had two pages of drafts to get through and that 20 pages was only a paragraph on her draft so she kicked me of the computer. If like the story let me know, if you don't then good for you, your not obliged to tell me so. Hope you like it because I did it in a rush coz school starts tomorrow, oh the bloody joy. 


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